


What If

by orphan_account



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: AU, M/M, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 21:57:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things could have been different had I zigged and not zagged...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is exactly what it says on the tin. Familiarity with storyline and specific incidents would greatly enhance your enjoyment of this fic.
> 
> There are several *different* scenarios explored in this fic. It's not just ONE scenario. Credit goes to Chelle for suggesting the scenarios.

**WHAT IF?**

 

 

 

 *** What if JP had decided to go to Dublin with Craig rather than**

 **leave him at the airport?**

 

 

“I am so relieved that Jake came to see me off.” Craig’s smile was both relieved and a little bemused.

John Paul smiled tightly. Yeah he was glad too – if it hadn’t been for Jake he wouldn’t have known exactly where he stood in Craig’s life. Shame on him for thinking that Dublin would mean the start of something new; shame too for thinking that now Craig had finally accepted the fact that he was gay they could be a proper couple – no more shame, no more kicking off. Isn’t that what Craig had promised? Good start, really good start when he couldn’t even admit at this late stage who and what he really was. And clearly he expected John Paul to go along with it too. He’d been doing that a lot lately. No, make that all the time, all the time from the start of the relationship when Craig had come to him, practically begging for it then spent the next month pretending it never happened. He should have known then that nothing would change, should certainly have known when it took a text from him to finally force Craig out into the open.

Clearly, very clearly nothing was about to change: they’d get a flat in Dublin and Craig would introduce him as his ‘mate’ – ‘helping out with the rent’ – or sentiments to that effect. He’d have a great time at Uni with this mates, invite them back, preferably when he was out at work so there’d not even be any need to ‘explain’ him away. Then sooner or later he’d start stopping out; ‘working in the library, went for a quick one with some people off the course’. Then the foreign scent, the scent of perfume, the love bites he’d very carefully hide. He could see it so clearly he almost wanted to laugh - at himself mostly because for all that he knew it would happen he couldn’t bring himself to walk away.

Looked like he was an even bigger fool than anyone knew...

 

**

 

John Paul didn’t find the job particularly challenging, but he got to wear a nice suit and work in a decent environment. He hadn’t made a point of talking about his sexuality with his co-workers, but when the subject arose he’d come out to a couple of them and that had been that -–not even a raised eyebrow. Well Dublin hadn’t been what he’d expected at all – the people were friendly and he didn’t find the religion thing anywhere near as in your face as he’d been expecting. He couldn’t find a thriving gay community, but hadn’t expected to, besides he wasn’t all that keen on the gay scene in any case. And as for Craig...

The scenario he’d painted in his head all those months ago had come to pass like clockwork. He went to work, Craig never invited friends round, spent a lot of time away from home in the library, ‘with mates’ always poo-pooed any suggestion of dinner for friends, meeting friends. All John Paul was waiting for now was the lipstick on the collar.

The thing is they were still in love – or at least he was. Craig seemed to love him, but he had no way of knowing just how sincere any of that really was. They didn’t go out together, not even shopping, which Craig usually took care of. They’d bought a little runabout with his wages and Craig usually did the weekly shop when he was at work – John Paul didn’t have his licence yet - or at least he _said_ he did. John Paul hadn’t got to the stage where he was checking mileage, but it was a serious temptation. He’d found an earring – a woman’s earring – on the passenger side of the car when he was hoovering and had left it there, only later asking himself why he was so afraid of confronting Craig with all of this.

He was happy with Craig but the doubts were starting to creep in...

 

**

He’d managed to get a dj-ing gig at one of the local student haunts two nights a week – one because any bit of extra money helped (his job paid very well, but he was a McQueen and had learned to expect financial disaster around every corner) but mostly because he really missed it – dj-ing.

When he told Craig he’d gone ballistic and they’d slept in separate rooms for the first time since they’d got there.

He should have said the obvious thing; that whatever Craig was used to getting up to with his ‘mates’ would obviously be severely curtailed by his lover’s presence, but he really couldn’t bring himself to precipitate what he felt was the disaster just waiting to happen.

Craig apologized with a nice brekky and some morning love, but John Paul went to work unhappy and brooding.

 

**

A girl on Craig’s course was having a party and Craig asked him along. He said she had a bit of a rep for throwing good ones and since they both had a long weekend and it was Christmas he felt that it would be a perfect opportunity to see what he had to put up with in terms of distraction and ‘idle eejits’ trying to stop him passing his first year exams! “Not all beer and skittles,” he claimed.

John Paul wondered what he was up to. Was the girlfriend going to be there, the one who belonged to the earrings? Was it his way of showing him to her – this is your competition, except not really, cos he can’t ever compete with what you’ve got?

He should have refused to go, but that perverse part of him that seemed to have been born the minute he realised he wanted Craig more than he’d wanted anyone or anything in his life urged him on, urged him to see it for himself, see how much it hurt.

 

**

Craig had kissed him warm, deep and pretty suggestively before they left and drove with a hand resting on John Paul’s knee whenever he could get away with it, shooting fond looks his way any time they stopped in traffic.

Guilt! All he needed now were the flowers to top it off!

 

**

It was a shared student house and unless he was very much mistaken all the TCD First Years had managed to squeeze their way inside!

The minute they managed to get into the main lounge where the music was loudest Craig was whisked away by a flurry of female limbs, and bare flesh, not even able to shout over his shoulder at him. John Paul tried to follow but gave it up as a lost cause and stood there in the centre of the room like a twat until someone thrust a bottle in his hand – unopened thankfully – and clapped him on the shoulder. A small blonde girl grabbed him and started dancing. She was saying something...

“What?” He leaned in to her.

“I said will ya want that opening then?”

He looked at the bottle. No, it definitely required an opener. “I’ll do that in a minute. Any idea where the kitchen is?”

She grinned. “Ah you’re from England.”

He smiled. “Manchester.”

“Ah sure I know it well. Me sister’s husband comes from there. You’re not at the college though are you? Are you visiting?”

“Not exactly. My...friend... studies here. We share a flat.”

“Oh you wouldn’t be this JP we’re hearing so much about would you?”

“What?”

She took him by the hand. “Come on,” and bulldozed her way through the heaving mass of bodies.

Okay here was the kitchen; and here was Craig, leaning down as a half-dressed girl whispered in his ear, hand clamped possessively on his lower back.

“Barra Boy!” Considering that Craig was only a few feet away the shout was perhaps somewhat unnecessary.

He schooled his face, trying to hide the jealousy and bitter anger he felt.

But when Craig looked up and saw him he grinned and placing an arm around the half-dressed girl pulled her with him. He leaned into John Paul for a kiss – on the mouth. “You found him then. Thought I’d lost you, mate.” He had one arm around John Paul and the other round the girl who was grinning at him too. Come to think of it all the girls in the room and on the patio (where Craig had been) seemed to be grinning at him.

“The Man With the Golden Cock,” said a girl with frizzy ginger hair, who save for her hair seemed to be doing a pretty good impression of a Goth.

“Oi!” Craig warned. “Don’t go broadcasting it or they’ll all be wanting some.”

“Well would you blame us?” This from the small blonde. “It’s no wonder you’ve been keeping him under wraps.”

“Well I know what you gels are like – man mad, even when he’s gay and off limits.” He nuzzled John Paul’s ear. “I only agreed to bring him cos you all promised you’d behave.”

“And we will.” John Paul had reason to thank his lucky stars that he was gay and apparently off limits (because he was Craig’s)? The voracious look he was getting from more than one quarter for some reason brought the words lion and prey to mind.

“But you can’t have him all night.” The blonde grabbed John Paul’s hand. “He needs his bottle opening and then I’m for dancing again.”

“If anyone’s going to be opening his bottle it’s gonna be me,” Craig informed to a chorus of boos and derisive laughter.

John Paul felt himself blushing, completely out of his depth. He hadn’t even been introduced! “Er...I’m John Paul.” He held out a hand to the blonde, not prepared for the hug and kiss that followed. Definitely not prepared for the seemingly never ending line up of people waiting to hug and kiss him also. It was only when a skinny blonde guy came up to offer his own hug and kiss that Craig called a halt. So Craig didn’t feel threatened by the girls, but no kisses and hugs from his male friends? John Paul hid a smile. The more things changed...

The remainder of the party was mental, but had to go down as the most fun he and Craig had ever had together – in public, with other people around...

He’d sensed that Craig got on well with his fellow students but he hadn’t known the half of it. He had never seen his lover so relaxed and confident, holding court with his entourage, having the mick taken out of him and not minding one little bit. He didn’t know if it was because most of his friends were female, most of whom as far as he could tell had no sexual interest in him, but then Craig had always seemed to get on well with girls. He could say that now, _see_ that now without feeling that sting of jealousy and fear that had been his silent, but constant companion since the airport when he’d heard his lover confess that he still fancied girls. Craig might still be attracted to girls, just as John Paul had the capacity to be attracted to other men. He saw now that that didn’t mean anything, not the way he’d convinced himself it had to all those months ago. Craig was in love with him and that was the end of the story for him, same way that it was for John Paul.

And he’d told them about John Paul. He’d told them ages ago – turned out they’d been pestering Craig for an introduction for months, but he hadn’t been sure, not convinced that he should allow his Uni life and his non-Uni life to intersect. He’d wanted them to have a life that was just them – away from what they both did day to day. But when John Paul had got the gig he’d seen how futile keeping things separate had been and decided to just cave and take him to the party.

He also confessed to being jealous of John Paul meeting a load of fit blokes and, more to the point, seeing them on a regular basis which is why he’d been so angry when he’d learned about the gig.

 

Later in bed, they talked and John Paul confessed everything; all the doubt he’d been feeling; his certainty that he was always going to be second best to women...

Craig had been genuinely surprised - and for a while quite angry - that he’d been thinking those things about him, but they managed to talk, without either man losing it again, reiterating their love for the other and eventually John Paul found himself saying yeah, I do believe you, I do believe that you love and want me as much as I want you.

A little later, as they watched the moon shining through the window John Paul said: “The man with the golden cock?”

Craig chuckled: “Well I’d sometimes come into lectures with what was described as a smug grin and Mary, I think it was, said something about you having a golden cock as the only way of explaining that smile on my face every morning. I didn’t disabuse them of the notion.” He kissed John Paul loudly on the mouth. “Though they probably would laugh in my face if I told them that it’s because every morning when I wake up and see you in your shirtsleeves getting ready for work I fall deeper in love and can’t believe that you’re really mine and that has me floating on cloud nine for the rest of the day.”

John Paul smiled into Craig’s hair. “My advice? Stick with the golden cock.”

“Yeah?”

John Paul grinned, kissed him. “Yeah.”

 

 

 

 **What if no-one had ever seen JP and Craig kissing in the school gym?**

 

“What the fuck was that?” Craig swiped a drunken hand across his mouth. “Did you just fucking kiss me?”

John Paul couldn’t even find it in him to be sarky. He had no idea what he’d been thinking, all he knew was that he’d just fucked up, big time! “Craig, look, it isn’t what you think-“

“Get off!” He pushed at his hands, swaying, his face contorted in a grimace of disgust. “You just-just stay away!”

With that he turned and hurried away, still unsteady on his feet, clearly still far from sober.

John Paul looked at the bottle he’d been sharing with Craig and resisted the urge to smash it against the wall.

 

*

 

“Come on, John Paul, I know there’s something wrong.” Hannah had her hand on his knee, eyes big with concern. It took all he had not to go off on one the way he’d done the day of her party.

“Hannah, honestly it’s nothing. Family stuff – nothing.”

“Well just tell me, maybe I can help.”

“Hannah, honestly you can’t. Seriously, just leave it okay?” He forced a smile, kissed her on the cheek. “I know I’m not much fun to have around at the moment, but it’ll sort itself – it always does. But you know what?” He stood, pulled her up with him. “It doesn’t help being stuck here. Fancy a drink at The Dog?”

 

*

He had forced himself to suggest The Dog. He and Craig hadn’t spoken since that night. Hannah and Sarah had noticed, of course, but Craig had spun some story about them falling out over the soccer camp and after a while the girls had stopped going on about it, expecting, no doubt, that they’d sort it soon enough. Only he and Craig knew how very unlikely that particular outcome actually was. As far as he knew he and Craig were no longer friends and never would be again.

He refused to pick at that wound, knowing that any attention would only encourage the bleeding to start up again. All he could do was wait for the healing to begin. He could cover it up, allow it to heal in secret, out of sight or he could expose it – more painful, but the healing was quicker – or so he’d heard. So here he was, on Craig’s territory, in his face, heart pounding as he imagined the look of contemptuous scorn he’d seen marring the even features once before. But he was determined to show Craig that the friendship might be over, but that he was not willing to skulk away, hide his face in shame forever. He didn’t know what was going on with him, didn’t know why he was so attracted to Craig – no that wasn’t right: he wasn’t merely attracted, he was in love and he couldn’t see that changing any time soon. He didn’t know if he was gay, maybe it was just Craig, maybe he wouldn’t have the hots for any other guy. But the sex with Hannah hadn’t been good for him; he’d got more turned on seeing the male models in their skimpy underwear, so yeah perhaps he was gay. That seemed just now to be pretty much a side issue, though. He was in love with Craig – that was the issue – one he didn’t see himself being able to muster up the resources to deal with any time soon.

“Oh there’s Sarah. And Craig.” Hannah looked at him, a puppy asking permission from her master to have a good time playing in the mud puddles. “We could sit by ourselves if you like.”

“No, we’re still mates with Sarah. Craig and I are grown up enough to be able to be fairly civil to each other when we need to be.”

“Oh John Paul.”

“Don’t worry about it, Hannah. Come on. First round on me.” He and Hannah made their way over, Sarah’s big smile making him feel lighter. Craig kept his eyes down, attention all for his pint. “Hi.” He addressed his greeting to Sarah, not even attempting to make eye contact with Craig.

“Hi John Paul, Hannah. Come on sit down.” She was sitting opposite Craig; Hannah took the seat next to her, which left his only option the seat next to Craig.

“I’m getting the first round in: what’s everyone having?”

 

*

 

Craig had made an excuse after the first round and left them – all of them, Sarah included. His mood had been so black that even the sometimes thick-skinned Sarah saw sense and let him go. That left John Paul. She didn’t waste any time.

“John Paul you’ve got to do something – he’s been unbearable since you fell out. I know it’s my fault for persuading him to cancel the holiday with you but I honestly thought you didn’t mind.”

“Sarah, it’s okay – it started with the soccer camp but then we both said some stupid things-“

“Like what?”

“Sarah!”

“No, Hannah it might be something we can help with. You know what lads are like sometimes, blowing things out of proportion. So go on John Paul what was said?”

“I honestly think that’s between me and Craig.”

“You know I’ll get it from him eventually, John Paul.”

He somehow doubted that very much. “Well you’ll have to – I’m not prepared to discuss it.”

She kept staring at him a little longer, probably cursing the fact that she couldn’t kiss him or sex him into submission the way she was obviously used to with Craig. She gave Hannah a look which since he had sisters knew meant that he’d be getting loved up in that very special Hannah way very soon.

And that was enough. He couldn’t do this anymore – not tonight. He drained his glass. “Know what? I’m feeling pretty ropey.” He stood. “I’ll walk you home – both of you-“

“I’ll just phone Craig, see if he’s calmed down yet.” The way she said this seemed to imply that Craig was like a stroppy kid who only had to be promised a handful of sweets to forget whatever nonsense had got him riled. He wished her luck. “So you are answering, then. Sorry? No, but- Well of course I can – John Paul’s offered to walk me home, but that’s not the point- What?” Her mouth was half open in what he assumed was disbelief. “How dare you talk to me like that? Don’t take your fucking mood out on me! Fuck you too, you tosser!”

John Paul saw heads turning, but was too focussed on Sarah to pay them any mind. So Craig hadn’t calmed down then.

“Sarah, what’s happened? What did Craig say?”

Sarah’s face seemed unable to decide whether it wanted to harden with fury or soften into tears. “He was so horrible, Hann. He swore at me, called me- the C word.”

“Oh my God, Sarah!” Hannah pulled a tearful Sarah into her arms, eyes hard and for some reason fixed on John Paul. “You’ve got to talk to him now, John Paul. I don’t care how upset he is, he can’t get away with saying things like that to her.”

“It’s not my business. Look,” he continued in the vain hope that he could forestall the indignation, the tears, the demands for action. “He and I are not even on speaking terms; how the hell am I gonna get through to him from that position?”

“You could at least try.”

“Sorry, Hannah, ain’t gonna happen.”

“Well thank you very much. Some mate you are! Come on Sarah, I’ll take you home.”

“I’m still prepared to take you both home-“

“We’d rather you didn’t actually, John Paul. You know just in case it’s too much trouble.”

He watched them go, wondering why Hannah felt that emotional blackmail would have any effect on him. He wasn’t Craig – that sort of thing just didn’t have the legs it did when Sarah did it to him. The fact is he didn’t want to sleep with Hannah, would have taken any excuse to fall out with her if it meant not having to ‘love her up’. Of course falling out meant make up sex and he wasn’t up for that either. Whichever way you looked at it, whichever way he turned sex seemed to be the inevitable outcome.

He treated himself to a hour’s peace and quiet with a couple of pints and some banging tracks on his ipod then made his way out of the pub.

Some sixth sense made him look up and he saw Craig at the window staring back at him. As soon as he stopped, stood, turned fully to face him Craig pulled the curtain across and disappeared from view.

 

 

**

 

 

He’d got a few calls from Hannah, but had ignored them. He ignored her texts too. She had started off angry and then not long after started in with the apologies. Neither attitude had pulled any of the indifference from him.

 

He showered, went to bed at midnight, Hannah the last thing on his mind...

 

 

 

**

 

 

He looked at his clock: 2.30. God didn’t she ever give up? He picked up his mobile, prepared to give her an earful. The number was Craig’s.

“Hello”

“Open the fucking door.” Click.

He sat there for a moment, frozen, then pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms.

Craig had changed his clothes: looked like he’d gone to bed at some point that night. He looked sleepy, mussed, absolutely delectable. He didn’t speak when John Paul opened the door, just stood looking at him, waiting to be invited in?

“Do you want anything?” He closed the door carefully behind him.

“Like?”

“Hot drink, butty?”

“Not hungry.” He looked cold.

“My room’s pretty warm.”

“I know.” He was looking at him.

“Okay. Everyone’s asleep. I think.”

“I’ll be quiet.”

In his room he felt the nerves come at last. He had got so used to fancying Craig, keeping a lid on it that he hardly noticed the lust anymore. But he’d lately got very much out of practice and the lust hit him full force, not helped, of course, by the fact Craig was in his bedroom late at night, looking...

“Do you want to sit down?”

“No. Want to talk.”

John Paul was tempted to get back into bed, but decided against, settling for perching on the side of the bed. “Okay. Talk.”

“Are you gay?”

“I told you-“

“Don’t fuck around. Are you or not?”

“Craig I don’t know. How could I? I haven’t fancied anyone but you.”

This made him think. “So you might not be?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. There hasn’t been anyone else I’ve felt this way about – male or female.”

“But Hannah, you like it with her, right?”

He hesitated. Honesty here would not be fair to Hannah, but he owed him the truth didn’t he? “No, I don’t. It’s something I have to force myself to do.”

“And you don’t think you’re gay!” Craig came closer, his face incredulous. “Man, I don’t care how much you fancy someone else more you get off on the sex!”

John Paul shrugged. “Well if that’s the criterion for deciding then I guess I am gay.”

Craig was silent for a long time, staring at him, his thoughts hidden. “Why did you kiss me?”

“I didn’t mean to-“

“Did you expect me to like it, kiss you back?”

“No, of course not. You were just there, I felt so...good being with you that I forgot myself.”

“Forgot yourself? Like when you’re with me you can’t allow yourself to forget, forget what? That I’m your best mate, that I’m straight, that I’m going out with Sarah? What?”

“All that I suppose. It’s like I’m mostly ok, but now and again, like at the ball I get overwhelmed by my feelings for you. But I’m sorry, Craig. If I could take that back I would.”

“But you can’t, can you? And now we’re both of us going to have to deal with it.” He sat beside him, closer than John Paul expected, closer than he could handle. He smelled of shampoo and shower gel. “I thought I wouldn’t be able to cope when you told me you loved me, but we were alright weren’t we? We can get through this too.”

“Craig-“

“I hate being on the outs with you. John Paul, you’re my best mate. Okay we’re going through something most best mates never have to worry about.” His laugh was light, genuine. “But look at it this way; anything else has got to pale into comparison, doesn’t it?”

John Paul smiled. “You have a point.” He felt his heart skip as Craig put a hand on his face.

“You probably think I’m a rubbish kisser, don’t you?”

“Craig...”

“Don’t worry,” he said softly, leaning in.

His kiss was slow, careful, but there was no hint of reluctance. “I can do even better. Just say the word.” John Paul had never seen him like this before, lust and seduction in his eyes.

John Paul was afraid to hope... “Craig...”

“I know what I’m doing. Do you think I haven’t spent the entire time thinking about this? Do you think I’m going to seduce you in a fit of lust then go back to Sarah? Me and Sarah are over, have been since Hannah’s party, you’re all I’ve been able to think about. I don’t love her-“ He broke off, ducked his head, blushing.

“Do you love _me_?”

“Yeah,” he said still looking away.

John Paul put a hand under Craig’s chin, lifted his face. Craig’s hands came up, one hand on his neck, the other in his hair.

God, John Paul gasped, fists bunched in Craig’s jacket, the guy could really kiss.

When John Paul reluctantly broke the kiss, it immediately registered on him that his cock was now so hard it was almost painful. “Craig, we can’t.”

“I know.” He was still kissing John Paul’s face and neck, fingers roaming downwards. “Whoa!” John Paul stiffened, expecting disgust at the evidence of his arousal, but Craig was grinning. “What you planning to do with that, big boy?”

That was so ridiculous that John Paul couldn’t help laughing. “I’d have thought it was more a question of what you’re planning to do.”

“Yeah?” He started stroking. “What do you want me to do?”

“Keep doing exactly what you’re doing.”

“I can do that.” He kissed John Paul with tongue and plenty of intent and the other boy felt all his resolve run away wailing, presumably with no intention of ever returning. Somehow he couldn’t find it in him to care.

 

**

 

He’d gone down on Craig with messy – they agreed to use a condom next time – but immensely satisfying results, the two of them staring in amazement at each other after. There was no need to discuss it – it had been spectacular for both of them.

Craig lay in his arms, nails scratching gently, rhythmically, marking him in a sensuous claiming.

“I’ll finish with Hannah tomorrow.”

“No, let me finish with Sarah first,” Craig suggested. John Paul frowned. “No, listen, John Paul. They’re all going to know about us soon enough. I just don’t want it to look like - I don’t know, I just think it looks a bit suss us finishing with them at the same time. I think we should make it clear we’ve made up; I’ll finish with Sarah, then you leave it a few weeks and finish with Hannah.”

“But Craig, that means lying to her, to my family, everyone...”

"Well we could do it your way, but think about it – don’t you think she’d be more hurt if she thought you dumped her for me?”

“It’s the truth.”

“And you think telling the truth is always the best policy?”

“Well, no-”

“If you really have problems with doing it that way we’ll do it your way instead. I just think it’s messier that way.”

John Paul sighed; he didn’t want to admit it, but Craig had a point: he just hated the thought of deceiving people – deliberately deceiving them, even if it was only for a few weeks. “I know you’re right, it’s just that I want to be with you and let everyone know about it.”

“I know.” He kissed John Paul’s chest. “Hmm, smell so good – I could eat you.” He ran his tongue to his right nipple and back again. “But give me a chance to tell mum about us before we come out. You’ve got to do the same with your mum. How do you think she’ll take it?”

“Dunno. Not really worried about that, though.”

“Just me, right? Not convinced I’ll do what I say?”

“I want to believe you, Craig, but a few days ago you were looking at me like I’d crawled from a pool of slime.”

“That bad?”

“Worse.”

“To be fair, John Paul, it didn’t take me long to work it all out. The rest of it was mostly Sarah working my last nerve and me sulking cos I was sure I couldn’t have what I wanted.”

“Me? On a plate, with a fucking apple in my gob, mate.”

“Mmmm, lucky apple,” he growled, nipping at his chest.

John Paul felt himself blush, his cock stirring with more vigour than he would have believed possible going by his sessions with Hannah. He couldn’t help thinking, not for the first time, that Hannah was satisfied with very little. The handjob from Craig had sent him rocketing to the moon, as had sucking him off. He wasn’t even convinced now that he’d ever actually experienced orgasm with Hannah. “And it’s not really that I’m not sure of you, Craig.”

“I’m not going back to her, if that’s what you’re worried about and I do want to be with you. I am worried about mum, though. That’s the part that’s causing me a bellyache every time I think about it. She’s gonna go ballistic, I know she is and I really don’t want to have to choose you over my family-“

“Craig!” he sat up, alarmed. “I don’t want you-“

“No, shhh, shhh.” He encouraged him to lie down again, but sat up a little himself, faced John Paul, leaning on one elbow. “It’s simple – you’re my future – if they can’t accept that then it’s them making the decision to break things with me. I’m not going to be pressurised into giving you up. I know it’s going to be hard, but,” He reached for John Paul’s hand. “As long as you’re with me, stand beside me all the way I’m prepared to take on the whole world.”

John Paul squeezed Craig’s hand. “Me too.”

“Besides,” He slid down onto John Paul’s chest once more. “I can’t give up the sex.”

John Paul leaned in and kissed his hair, laughing.

He didn’t need to be told that this was Craigspeak for I love you.

“Me either,” he said softly.

 

 

 **What if JP had got back together with Spike when Craig was in Zante?**

 

He’d seen it, seen Craig clock him then urge the driver to go! He’d shouted after him, run after the taxi because by then he was running on instinct, the instinct to keep hold of what was his, but deep down, in the place he didn’t like to visit too often, he knew, knew that it was over....

The letter to Frankie, well that had been written and delivered in an urge to once and for all show Craig up for the cowardly slime he really was. Thank god Spike had been there to save him from himself. Yeah Craig deserved it, but there came a point where you had to stop bloody caring. Seeking revenge only proved you weren’t over him; that even in absentia he was still running you, playing you like a puppet.

Spike’s actions brought into sharp relief the difference between these two men who professed to love him. There was no point where he could imagine Spike ever doing what Craig had done; just wouldn’t ever happen. Spike was a mate and though it was obvious he had feelings for John Paul it was equally obvious that he’d never act on them; never put pressure on him to be more than that. And perhaps it was time to get the madness of loving Craig out of his system once and for all. So when it became obvious that Spike wanted them to start up again he instigated the kiss, allowed him the love making, trying unsuccessfully to forget Craig when Spike entered him, tried to pretend that Spike’s kiss was satisfactory, that he could live with this, trusting that he could, in time, be able to stop comparing...

 

*

Spike and his mum got on like a house on fire – even Mercy had warmed up to him since she realised that he could effortlessly take her on and beat her at her own game. Mercy’s respect, grudgingly given, was the very best compliment she knew how to give – safer than being hated by her, far safer than being ‘loved’ by her - and clearly Spike had it. Craig would never have her respect, would never really be able to defend him against all comers the way Spike did. Yet another reason why he and Spike worked so well. There were so many reasons he’d given up counting them but he was happy, genuinely happy for the first time in a long while. He hadn’t really realised how much hiding his relationship with Craig had affected him – being so open with Spike, having his family acknowledge this relationship and treat it like any other meant so much. There was no way he’d ever put up with Craig’s demands for secrecy again. He didn’t even really miss him anymore....

*

Mercedes was the one who let on that Craig and Sarah had returned.

For a moment he felt like all eyes were on him until it occurred to him that there wasn’t a damn soul who knew about him and Craig. And that was just it, wasn’t it? Here he was, heart beating faster at the thought of seeing him again, and no-one had a fucking clue! This thought made him so angry he shot up off the sofa and hurried upstairs, ending up pacing the width of his room in an attempt to order his thoughts. He had no doubt that Craig would put in an appearance eventually (dependant, of course, on Sarah allowing him out of her sight for long enough to take a crap!) all puppy eyes and false remorse and he’d expect John Paul to cave as he always did; expect the forgiveness he always received. Well not this time: he had no intention of waiting for Craig to sneak, like the weasel he was, sneak into his bedroom, the place where he felt most in control with John Paul. Because for all his resolve and anger John Paul knew that he was weak enough to let him in again. Not for sex, but even a touch, a kiss would be too much. It was done – over the moment he made that decision to go to Zante with Sarah and leave John Paul like a scabby beggar on the door, stepped over without a second’s glance downwards, worth nothing – less than nothing. And he would be made to KNOW that in no uncertain terms.

He felt his lip curl in half vengeful smile and angry grimace as he reached for his phone.

 

*

 

Craig wasn’t in The Dog when he and Spike arrived; Frankie confiding to Jake that he wasn’t with Sarah and was probably catching up with his mates. John Paul couldn’t help smiling at that: So the weasel had gone round to his, expecting what? Bit of grovelling, bit of the ‘I love yous’ before tumbling him into bed and resuming the Craig Dean business as usual standard? Well hard luck, no business as usual in _this_ guy’s future.

He looked at Spike, who was distracted, staring at the jukebox like he wanted to run over and physically rip it from its moorings, then leaned over and kissed him.

“Not that I’m complaining at all,” Spike assured, returning the kiss, “But what was that in aid of?”

John Paul leaned into him. “No reason, just felt like it.”

“Hmmm, feel like it some more,” he encouraged.

John Paul grinned, ducking his head, stiffening involuntarily with Spike’s next words. “Oh here’s trouble. What is that guy’s problem anyway?”

He didn’t need to ask, but did so anyway. “Who?”

Spike gestured with his head. “Your mate.”

John Paul looked up, not feeling anything like he’d been expecting: he’d fully expected to feel cool anger when the moment came, not this hot inner turmoil.

Craig was wearing a plain white shirt that contrasted nicely with the healthy glow of his sun kissed skin. His eyes were burning, but his mouth twitched a tiny smile.

“Hi you two. You look cosy.”

“Yeah,” Spike said. “Well as cosy as one can get in a public place.” He nuzzled John Paul’s ear. “Sometimes you just need a bit of privacy. Know what I mean?”

Craig’s smile widened a mere fraction and his eyes flashed, but the reply was innocuous enough. “Tell me about it.” He looked at John Paul. “You two a couple again?”

“Yeah, we realised that we still fancied each other like crazy.” He kissed Spike softly on the mouth. “And neither of us were seeing other people so...”

“Yeah. Congratulations. John Paul, mate, can I have a word?”

John Paul exchanged a look with Spike, rolled his eyes. “No offence Craig but I don’t particularly want to see your holiday snaps just now. Thanks for sending the picture message by the way. My inbox was full though and it got deleted. Sorry.”

Craig’s nostrils flared a little. “Don’t worry about it and it’s not about the holiday – something more important.”

“Oh mate, can’t it wait until tomorrow? I’ve sort of got other plans – with Spike. Know what I mean? So if you don’t mind...”

“Oh I’m on a promise. Nice one.” Spike’s smile was huge and he quickly downed his drink. “Meant to say; hope you had a nice holiday. You look like you had a good time.”

Craig’s smile was tight. “Yeah. John Paul.”

“I’ll give you a call when I’m free.” He finished his own drink and stood with Spike. “Got a new phone by the way. I’ll give you the new number some time.”

Craig said nothing to this, just kept staring at him, using the puppy dog look to full effect. This gave John Paul who’d been feeling conflicted the fuel he needed to walk away from him without a backward glance.

Did he think he was that easy? Fucking bastard!

 

*

 

He fucked Spike into the proverbial mattress that night, his efforts to keep the Craig thoughts at bay proving less successful than usual. Spike commented on his enthusiasm, but didn’t seem to feel that his aggression had been out of character and went to sleep beside him, seemingly carefree and content.

He stayed awake all night, obsessing on Craig, trying to devise ways of making him so jealous he couldn’t bear it, wanting to hurt him so badly he’d die one minute, the next wanting him so much he thought _he’d_ die...

He wasn’t over him, not by a long chalk, but _he_ would be. He would.

 

*

He stayed with Spike for a week, trying to convince himself that he wasn’t running away, wasn’t hiding from the confrontation with Craig. All this week achieved was to let him recognise that he and Spike were great mates, but he wasn’t in love with him. He’d been a means to an end – show Craig they were over – but it wasn’t fair to make him think there was more, would ever be more. There never would be more; that was more than obvious – to him if not to Spike. And that was the thing: Spike was really falling for him and he cared too much to allow him to fall any deeper.

Spike asked if there was anyone else and though he should have stated boldly that there wasn’t he hesitated.

“Anyone I know?”

“There isn’t, Spike. I promise you.”

“Well you’re not sleeping with him, you just wish you were.” When John Paul couldn’t answer he went on. “And that’s enough to finish with me? Someone you fancy and presumably can never hope to get?”

“Spike it’s just that it feels like I’m cheating you. I like you, I more than like you, but I don’t love you. No wait, listen I just can’t be with someone like that – that’s just not the way I am. I don’t love you and I won’t keep stringing you along.”

Spike didn’t argue, clearly recognising that it would be pointless and let him go without further argument.

Another way he was different from Craig – Spike would let it go, would allow him his decision and in time would be matey with him again. Craig would pressure him and pressure him and when he didn’t get his own way would blank him – forever probably.

Yeah he was better off out of it. He was only 17 years old, plenty of time to find a solid relationship, find a man who wanted him and wasn’t afraid to let the world know! A man who didn’t think he could have his cake and eat it too, have the wife _and_ the bit on the side!

God if Craig even dared to try to come on to him again, try his usual tricks...

 

*

 

When he got home there was a letter waiting from him: it was from Craig.

 _Hi, John Paul!_

 _I’m rubbish at this, but I decided to give it a go anyway. I know that what I did last month was unforgivable and I don’t blame you for not being able to forgive. I haven’t forgiven myself. I’ve made a mess of it, I know I have, but I just wanted to make sure you know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. It took me too long to realise this, I know that, and because of that I deserve everything that happened._

 _I told mum about us, but told her that we weren’t together anymore. She’s not happy but I don’t think she’ll give you a hard time. I’m going away for a while – to London – and will go to Dublin from there (if my results are ok!). I admit I’m running away but it kills me to see you with him. I don’t think there’s any more I can say on that front. I do want you to be happy but you wouldn’t believe me if I told you I want you to be happy with him, would you? So I won’t tell you that._

 _I know now that it was unfair of me to expect you to be with me on those terms and though it’s killing me I’m letting you go. I will never forget you. Still love you though I know you must find that hard to believe right now._

 _I know we’ll probably not see each other again for a while, but I hope that when we do you and I will be able to laugh together like we used to._

 _Love Always,_

 _C_

 

He’d started reading on the way up the stairs and finished by the time he reached his bedroom.

He read it 5 more times standing in the middle of the room, all his senses in shutdown.

When his mother came up an hour later she found him there, staring into space, the letter crumpled in his hand.

 

*

He deliberately forced himself not to visit The Dog, determined to accept the gift Craig had given him. It wasn’t easy, but he also knew that there was no way Frankie was ever going to confide any information about Craig and he simply wasn’t in the mood for her particular brand of spite.

It was funny but in all this, all this time he hadn’t once given a thought to Sarah. He hadn’t even seen her since she’d got back. But no problem – she came to see him...

He heard her from his room, recognising the strident tones, but was puzzled, wondering why she’d be banging down his front door. A moment later she was at his door, not even knocking before flinging the door open.

“Oh you’re back, you bloody coward!” Carmel was behind her, trying to draw her back.

“It’s ok, Carm, I’ll handle this.”

“Handle it, handle me?” She looked and sounded hysterical, face plain and unpainted, eyes pink and vulnerable looking. He was honestly shocked by her appearance, absolutely bewildered by her fury.

“Sarah, calm down. Carm, its okay. Honest.”

“What did you do, offer him a blowjob any time he wanted it?”

“Carm! Go on!” He bundled the wide-eyed Carmel out and shut the door, knowing that the entire tribe would be descending on him in ten minutes – the amount of time it would take Carmel to alert her sisters by phone and for them to drop everything and come running... He hoped to have Sarah out by then.

Had she found out about him and Craig? Had Frankie told her? “Look Sarah-“

She slapped him hard across the face, which shocked him so much all he could do was stare, cheek stinging. “You’re a bastard! Call yourself a mate?” Her laughter bordered dangerously on the hysterical. “It’s so funny, cos I’d expect it from a girl, even if she was my best mate – I never expected it from my mate – my gay mate. You think you’re safe with a gay mate: he’s not going to come on to you and he’s not going to come on to your boyfriend either. I mean he’s doubly off-limits isn’t he; cos he’s your fella, but mostly cos he’s straight and wouldn’t look twice at another guy! Unless he was pressurised.” She began to hit him, punctuating each word with a smack. He felt himself being driven backwards, unable to grab her and shake or push her the way he would with one of his sisters. He’d never hit a girl (who wasn’t his sister) in his life and he wasn’t even remotely tempted to start now. He’d never seen her like this and it terrified him. “You promised him anal sex, no strings blowjobs – you bribed him, forced him to have sex with you!”

“Sarah.” He took hold of her hands now and stood firm as she struggled to reach his eyes with her nails.

“No, he told me – told me you were sleeping together, that he wanted to be with you. On holiday, my fucking holiday, in our room, in our bed he told me he was fucking you!” She looked straight into his eyes, her own bleak with tears. “John Paul, how could you? How could you do this to me?” He’d seen her anger, seen her fury; it was only now that he saw the depth of her hurt.

“Sarah.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, please don’t say you’re sorry.” She’d let go of him and turned away, slumping wearily on to the bed. “It’s taken me this long to believe it. I kept telling myself that he was just angry with me, that he was saying he was in love with you and was going to be with you because I’d done something. He does that, Craig, not tell you what’s wrong just does things to make you know he’s in a mood. But when he came back the first thing he did was try to phone you, even though I needed him with all the things going on with Amy, mum and Leah and then when Frankie told me he was leaving Hollyoaks and it was because you were back with Spike and had finished with him...” She looked at him, face ugly and vulnerable. “He didn’t even say goodbye, John Paul. He ran away because _you_ had hurt him so much. He didn’t even care about me. All he cared about was you.” Her mouth crumbled and she started sobbing. “John Paul, I love him, how could you take him away from me? I thought we were mates. I would never do that to you. Never. I _swear_.”

John Paul felt the hot tears prickle the corners of his eyes. He felt awful. He’d known that Craig breaking up with Sarah would be bad, but he didn’t think that he’d really given consideration to how it would make him feel to be confronted with the evidence of her pain. There were a lot of things he just hadn’t given nearly enough consideration to.

“Sarah, I’m sorry, I really am. I never wanted to hurt you – neither of us wanted to hurt you-“

“He told me he’d been in love with you for ages since before Hannah’s party. Is it, was it because of Rhys, me being stupid with Rhys? Did you tell him I was a slapper, that he could get everything he needed from you, that you wouldn’t make a show of him in front of the entire village? Is that it, John Paul? Is that when you came up with this little plan to get my boyfriend in bed?” She was on the move again. “What was it you said, eh? See what I can do with my dirty gay mouth, see how many times I can make you come? Do you swallow John Paul, is that the big draw? Does he give it to you up the arse?”

“Sarah.”

“No, come on, tell me. Tell me what it is that you do that would make him give up everything for you.”

“Sarah, stop. He’s gone, we’ve both lost him-“

Her laugh was hysterical and he came to the belated realisation that she was off her face drunk. “He gave it all up to be with you! YOU!” She attempted to poke him in the chest, but he dodged. “How the fuck have _you_ lost anything?”

“Well he’s not here. I don’t have him, and he isn’t coming back any time soon-“

“Only cos you went with Spike. Frankie told me – that he was in hysterics the other week, broke down and told her he was in love with you but you’d ended it and he couldn’t cope. She sent him away to his auntie’s in London.” She was staring sightlessly at him, a grimace that might have been meant to be a smile stuck on her face. “He didn’t shed a tear when we broke up. I was crying, pleading with him and he just sat there, like a stone. It was at the start of the holiday and because I honestly thought that by giving him a few days to come to his senses I’d eventually get him back I didn’t make a fuss – we actually enjoyed the rest of our time there.” She seemed to be smiling in reminiscence. “It was so good, he was so... open and so...happy. It felt like the Craig I used to know. But the last time I saw him in the village he blanked me – like he didn’t even see me. And he didn’t say goodbye. We’d broken up, but I deserved a goodbye, John Paul.” Her eyes focused in on him. “Did _you_ get one?”

“What?”

“A goodbye from Craig. Did you get one?”

“He must have left when I was with Spike, so no, I didn’t get one either.”

She seemed to have calmed down a lot and now seemed tired more than anything and if that frown was any indication a little the worse for wear. Well at any other time he would have offered her the bed, but well, just wasn’t going to happen, was it?

Besides, since his sisters were going to come piling in here any second the least they could do in return for prurient gossip was get Sarah back home safe and sound...

 

*

“Hello.”

It felt like an age since he’d heard that very distinctive voice. “I got your letter.”

“John Paul.” Or the way his name sounded on Craig’s lips. “Didn’t’ recognise the number.”

“No I never did get around to giving it to you.”

“No, you disappeared for a while.”

There was a tense silence.

“I’m not apologising for that, Craig-“

“For being in love with someone else? No, I don’t see why you would either.” John Paul drew a breath, but didn’t reply. “Are you okay?”

“Well, Craig, let’s see how should I answer that one? The man I’m in love with breaks up with his girlfriend, fails to tell me, runs off to London, breaks everybody’s fucking heart with his absence... I could go on.”

The silence went on for so long that he started counting in his head.

He’d reached 20 by the time he heard Craig take a preparatory breath. “You’re with Spike.”

“No I’m not, I’m not with him! I’ve never fucking been with him!”

“But the other week, in the Dog-“

“That was me being a vengeful twat. Craig, goddamit, I was so angry with you! It felt like you’d shat on me and I wanted to do the same. I knew that nothing I could do would ever make _you_ feel the way you made _me_ feel but I was going to fucking try! I just, I just shouldn’t have used him that way-“

“Spike.”

“Yes, Spike. Are we participating in the same conversation?” Only Craig could make him lose his cool like this. He was just now remembering that.

“You’re only with him to spite me?”

“I’m not with him. Didn’t I already say this?”

“You were with him a week ago, you were probably fucking him last night for all I know.”

“Yeah, you mean the way you used to go from me to Sarah or vice versa?”

“You wanna fight?”

“Yeah I wanna fight.” He only wished he had Craig in front of him. Fighting was far more satisfying face to face. “Why the fuck did you do that to me?”

“Because I’m a twat – a stupid pussy who’s afraid to say I love you to the person who means the most in this world. John Paul the moment that taxi got to the airport I knew I’d blown it big time. It just took me a while to accept that even if you couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done I didn’t want to be with Sarah, not in preference to you, not even if it meant settling for second best. It was like something inside me, something inside me just couldn’t take it any more – the lying, the cheating...hurting you. I admit I hoped you’d eventually forgive me, but when I saw you with Spike, saw how much you hated me-“

“I could never hate you, Craig. I can want to kill you, feel like dying when you hurt me, but I have never hated you-“

“You should.”

“Maybe, but I don’t. You’re in my blood, man, a part of me. I can’t let you go and I can’t hate you.”

“And Spike?”

“Was never important to me. I shouldn’t have used him against you like that. I finished with him a few days ago.”

“Because of me and Sarah?”

“No, I didn’t know that then, hadn’t got your letter. It wasn’t to get back with you, Craig. I finished with him because I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that every time he touched me...it wasn’t him I was thinking of. I convinced myself it was over with you, but the minute I saw you that day I realised that it never would be, that no matter how much my head told me to walk away my heart would never let me.”

“John Paul I can’t come back-“

“I know, I’m not asking for that. I just want you to know that I love and yes, forgive you and I’ll be waiting whenever you’re ready to make a go of it. Me and you – together, out in the open, no more secrets, no more shame.”

“John Paul...” He broke off, voice heavy with tears.

“You know I’d take on the entire village for you, don’t you? I just need to know you want me, really want to be with me. I’m so sick of hiding, Craig.”

“I know – me too. And I’m not ashamed of you, John Paul, I’m just not in a good place right now-“

“I know,” he said softly, wishing he had Craig there with him, wanting to wrap him up in his arms.

“When we get our results would you, would you bring them down to London for me?”

John Paul swallowed hard, taking a second to compose himself. “You want me to?”

“More than anything.”

“Ok. I bet you’ve aced them – Dublin for you come September.”

There was a silence on the line. “Craig?” he frowned.

“No it’s just that-” He imagined Craig’s hand raised to the back of his hair in that bashful gesture he found so endearing. “I mean I don’t know, would you consider applying for Trinity? I mean I know it’s short notice and everything and with it being another country and they may not even have the course you want-“

“Yeah I’ll do that as soon as I know my results,” he said with a calm he was far from feeling. Maybe he should be giving this far more consideration, maybe it was a spectacularly bad idea, but it felt so right...

“Seriously? You will?” Craig sounded genuinely astonished.

John Paul laughed. “Yeah I’m serious. I’ve been waiting months for you to ask me.”

"Oh god JP, how can you even bear to talk to me? I’ve been such a-“

“Yeah and you’ll act like a wanker again, but you’re my wanker, ok? S’all I’ve ever wanted – you and me – together. I’m happy, Craig. It really doesn’t take much. _You’re_ all I fucking need.”

“Do you want to come down sooner?”

John Paul laughed, hardly able to believe how the last shitty few weeks had somehow spawned this! “Stupid question, but let’s give it a while, uh? Make certain.”

“Okay.” He sounded sulky.

“It’ll be worth it I promise.” John Paul’s voice was low and seductive. “You know I won’t disappoint you.”

“You never do, John Paul.”

John Paul knew that his lover was talking about more than sex and what’s more he knew that Craig meant every word.

He didn’t know what the future held for him and Craig, all he knew for sure was that from his perspective it had a glow it never had before and he’d work so hard at making the fairytale ending with him going off with his Prince Charming come true...

 

 

 

 **What if Craig ran after JP at the airport?**

 

He watched the taxi driver stow his suitcases in the trunk, then slid into the back, refusing to cry, refusing to cry...

He didn’t know how he’d found the courage to finally do the right thing – for everybody – him, Craig, their families. Too late to do the right thing by Sarah, but he would try all the same.

It had all been a fairytale, a house built on sand, built _of_ sand. Had he ever really expected it to work with him and Craig? Had Craig ever really given any signs that he wanted to be with John Paul? Surely if he’d really wanted to be with him it wouldn’t have been Sarah’s name on that ticket, there would have been no engagement, no text, no humiliation, no bridges burned.

How had he not seen that before? All he was was the consolation prize, no the booby prize, all that was left when Sarah’d refused to take him back. How adept he’d become at lying to himself, swallowing all the lies Craig fed him, pushing all the doubts back until they were muffled to the point of near silence, drowning the still small voice of protest out with images of a loving Craig; memories of his taste, his voice, his eyes...

But there was only so much lying you could do; only so many excuses you could make. And he’d just run out of excuses for Craig.

He would never forget that look on Craig’s face like a rabbit caught in the headlights, unable to move, frozen in horror. And all because John Paul had asked for a kiss – a token of his love. If it had been Sarah he’d have done it like a shot, wouldn’t even have hesitated. His heart had been breaking yet the man he loved most in all the world hadn’t been able to bring himself to even touch him; to put his cases down and pull him into a hug. He’d been fine hugging Jake – why couldn’t he have done that with the man he claimed to love? Was it only when they stepped on to foreign soil that there’d be ‘no more shame’? Well that wasn’t good enough, not anymore.

He loved him, but if nothing was going to change; if all they’d gone through was going to result in the same old same old dance then he was better off alone; better off with second best...

 

 

**

He hadn’t expected the text to be from Craig and when he saw the number he stared frozen, afraid, literally shaking with it.

 **Im waiting in the airport lobby. Im not getting on that plane without U. Ill come back 4 U if I have 2.**

 **Im an idiot. Forgive me.**

His heart leapt into his throat when he saw this, the roaring in his ears not the sound of a plane taking off but the blood racing through his veins as the adrenaline began to course into his bloodstream.

He was desperate to turn the taxi around, run back to his lover’s arms, but would that be the right thing to do?

 

*

 

He dialed the number and waited.

“Hi, babe. You alright?”

“Jacq I’m in trouble. I need your help.”

He immediately saw he’d worded that wrong, but too late to stop her panicking. “John Paul tell me where you are –at the airport? Is Craig there? Is he hurt?”

“No, no, Jacq it’s not like that – I’m sorry I shouldn’t have made it sound so dramatic-“

“You’re on the verge of tears, John Paul. I can tell you’ve been crying. Tell me.”

“It’s Craig – I left him.”

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line. “What did he say? Did he do something? I’ll-“

“I asked him to kiss me and he wouldn’t.”

Another, slightly longer silence this time. “There’s more to it than that. You don’t leave someone for not kissing you. Come on, tell me.”

“I’m just not sure of him, Jacq. He says all the right things, but his actions, well his actions do speak louder than his words and his actions are saying he’s ashamed of us.”

“So he wouldn’t hold your hand or-“

“I asked him to kiss me – in the airport. I wasn’t asking for a full on frenchie or anything, just a peck to show we were a couple, like any of the other couples there-“

“And he said no way.”

“He couldn’t even say that – he just looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him, that having everyone know we were together would be the most awful thing he could imagine. And I just couldn’t take it-“

“Final straw eh?”

“Jacqui do you think I did the right thing?”

She sighed. “John Paul, do you love him?”

“More than anything.”

“Do you think he can change?”

“I-I don’t know, Jacq – he’s had months to get his head around us, the fact that we’re together...”

“But he’s only just come out though hasn’t he? And from what I can see it wasn’t exactly on his own terms was it?”

“Well I was sort of outed against my will too-“

“Yeah, but you’re not Craig – it’s not really fair to compare yourself to him. Can I tell you something, John Paul?”

“Yeah.”

“Me and Tony have been through some rough patches, but I love him and I know he loves me. I didn’t always believe in his love though and so I asked him to prove it to me. I asked him to choose his son over me. And he did it – he did it for me and that’s how I knew that he really did love me. The thing is I’ve regretted what I did ever since – asking him to make that choice. Sometimes you just have to have faith, you have to trust in their love without forcing them to prove it to you - prove it by doing something big and important – and hard – personally hard for them to do. Know what I mean John Paul? You’ve trusted in him this far, keep doing it. I’ve seen the way that lad looks at you. Okay so he may never be out and proud, but we trusted him with you, John Paul. And I for one have never had much doubt you’d be fine together. It’s a hard call and in the end one only you can really make, but my advice is to give him another shot. I can tell you’re not at the airport. Still got your ticket though, right? Well then – get the next plane. Even if it has to be tomorrow, next week – give him another chance. What I’ve seen in you when you look at this lad – John Paul don’t throw it away – not yet.”

“Jacq...”

“I know, baby, I know. Come home if you need to, but I think you can make that call all by yourself – whatever it turns out to be.”

“He’s waiting for me, sent me a text, asking me to forgive him.”

“See? I knew it. He loves you, you plonker. And you love him. Don’t throw it all away at the first hurdle. Relationships, sweetheart, are all about overcoming those hurdles – together. Go and make it right. But you tell him from me that if he keeps being a pillock I’ll send Mercedes and Michaela over there to make a right holy show of him.”

John Paul smiled through his tears. “That should do it. Thanks, Jacq. Love you.”

“Love you too. Be happy, babe.”

“I will.”

 

*

 

Craig was waiting in the lobby and when John Paul walked up to him, suitcases in hands he dropped his own cases, used a cool finger to brush away John Paul’s tears then leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth. “Thank you.”

“I love you, Craig. Sometimes I think a little too much.” He felt jittery: excited, lovestruck and anxious all at one and the same time. Any second now he was going to bring up his lunch.

“No, never enough, John Paul, not ever enough.”

“I’m going with you, but there are certain things we need to establish from the start-“

“I refuse to wear pink!”

John Paul felt his mouth give an involuntary twitch. “Oh you seem to forget that I’ve seen those pictures – pink t-shirt as I recall.”

“Dusky rose,” he countered, picking up his cases. “And I’m only wearing the stockings and suspenders on Saturday nights – possibly Sunday mornings-“

“And I’ve got the digital camera.”

They started walking toward the boarding gate. “You wouldn’t.”

“You know I would.”

“Bribe?”

“What manner of bribe?”

Craig flicked a quick look at him. “The usual.”

John Paul felt his stomach tighten. “God you can always find a way to get round me, can’t you? You have me wrapped, completely wrapped.”

“It’s mutual,” he said quietly, deliberately holding his gaze. “John Paul, tell me you don’t feel it too.”

“I feel it.”

“That sense that this is for keeps.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I came back.”

“I know. S’why I stayed and was prepared to stay until I could persuade you not to give up on me. I know I let you down, but-“

“Craig, I am so fucking proud of you.” He dropped his case, put a firm hand on the back of Craig’s neck. “You did that for me – I asked and you did it-“

“An hour later...”

“Doesn’t matter – you did it because I needed you to and don’t think I don’t know how hard that was for you.” Craig rested his head briefly against his shoulder.

“I didn’t die though, the world didn’t come to an end. It’s possible that I might just manage to do that again some time.”

John Paul smiled, kissed his hair then released him. “You’re on top tonight.” He winked at the blushing Craig.

“And the digital camera?”

“Will come out when the stockings do.”

Craig rolled his eyes. “You keep telling me my legs are like twigs.”

“I like twigs.”

“I can’t walk in heels.”

John Paul leaned in to whisper. “Put it this way you won’t be required to do much walking and I think that walking, after I’m done with you, might not even be possible.”

“Promises, promises.” They moved up the line...

 

 

**What if Jack** _**had** _ **caught JP in Craig’s bed**

 

“I love you too.” John Paul was raising his head for a kiss when the door burst open. Jack was there in the doorway, mouth hanging open.

There was a long, long silence, none of the participants in this ancient tableau (with a slight twist) able to find the means to break the silence.

Jack was the first to speak. “Craig, we’re swamped downstairs, get yourself dressed and get down there to help out. John Paul get yourself home.” He forestalled Craig’s attempt to speak. “Now, Craig.”

He left, closing the door very quietly behind him.

John Paul tried to say something, but he pushed him off. It was his fault – all his fault. He must have known that having sex here, with everyone downstairs, was mental. So why had he done it, why had he insisted? It was obvious really – he  _wanted_ them to get caught.

“Craig.” He was dressed, barefoot, but mostly dressed with that pathetic look on his face, like a fucking bitch who wanted to suck the life out of him, as bad in his way as Sarah.

“Leave it! Just fuck off out of here. And don’t worry you won’t have to take any of the flak. And, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s over. Stay out of my life.”

“Craig, I know you’re-“

He only just restrained himself: the urge to beat John Paul’s face to a bloody pulp the only thing he could think of right now. “Fuck off!”

 

**

 

Spike was there when he got downstairs, looking subdued for a change, trying to talk to him, but when Craig turned on him, having the sense to walk away. Jack was not excessively cold to him, just deflected every attempt he made to talk.

The evening wore on and on.

He’d seen John Paul leave, red-eyed, looking as miserable as Craig had ever seen him, but he refused to cave. There was a situation here that needed saving and John Paul was the least of his concerns.

They closed the bar in silence, just the two of them, his mum long retired for the night.

Jack gestured him to a table in the corner, put a glass of whisky in front of him. “Tsk, it’s my best malt and if I say you’re going to drink it, you’re going to drink it. Really, Craig if you’re old enough to make a fool of yourself the way you did this evening then you’re old enough to drink it neat!” He downed his drink in one. Craig followed his example, only holding back the hacking cough by an act of will. “So, you and John Paul...”

“It’s not what it looks like Jack.”

“Oh? Cos I have to say what it looked like to me was two young men enjoying each other’s company in a way best friends aren’t accustomed to do. So,” he poured them both another drink. “What was it really?”

“Messin’, just messin’ about.” He tried the smile that had worked on Jack many times before.

“Is that what they’re calling it theses days? Look, Craig, I’m just trying to understand here and things would go much easier for both of us if you were honest with me. Is this the first time you’ve been to bed with him?” Craig hesitated – fatally. “Okay, so how long’s it been going on?”

“Few months.”

“Months! Well I didn’t expect- So it’s serious then?”

“No, it’s just – Well we got into this habit – don’t know how it started. Doesn’t mean anything – just messin like I said. I’m in love with Sarah.”

“Then why in god’s name are you messing around with John Paul?”

“It’s over now.”

“Cos you were caught out.”

“I was trying to find a way to end it.”

“So is it because he’s gay? Did he offer to- well did he make you an offer you couldn’t refuse?”

“Jack,” He tried to laugh, feeling sick inside. “It’s over. I made a mistake and now it’s over.”

“Be sure Craig. I’ve been there, you know I have. Your mum has too. You can’t do that to Sarah.”

“It’s over, I promise you.”

“Okay then.”

Craig breathed an internal sigh of relief. It had been mortifying but at least it was over now. “And thanks for not telling mum. I don’t want to upset her.”

“I know that, son. This is strictly between me and you, I promise you. I just want to ask you a question.”

Oh please god let it not be about the sex. “Go on.”

“Are you in love with him?”

This took him completely by surprise. It had never even occurred to him that Jack might actually see that as a possibility so he had no defences raised, the shields on guard duty elsewhere.

“Yeah it’s what I thought. Ah Craig, Craig. What are you doing to yourself, son? Do you love them both?”

“I don’t know. I know that he’s the one-“ He fell into silence fearing disgust, but Jack’s eyes were full of kindness, no judgement. “He’s the one that makes my heart beat faster, he’s the one I dream of; the one I think about all the time...”

“Then you need to end it with Sarah. Craig, son, I’ve been second best – it hurts like nothing on this earth. Sarah’s a nice girl – you don’t need to break her heart by being with her when it’s someone else you want. You don’t want to break _your_ heart either.” He touched Craig’s hand. “Craig what if it had been your mother who walked in on you and John Paul? What if it had been Sarah? And it seems to me that young Spike knows that there’s something going on between you and John Paul. It’s all going to end in tears unless you end it with Sarah. What you do with John Paul then is your business – I’m certainly not going to advice you to come out about the fact that you and he are more than good friends – it’s no-one else’s business. I won’t stand for you sneaking round on Sarah though. If he’s the one you want – and it’s clear to both of us that he is – then you need to do the decent thing and finish with her. Agreed?”

“Agreed, “ he said reflexively, mind in turmoil. “But Jack-“

“Yes, son.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know, Craig, son, I know you are, but I’m on your side. You’ve got me and if I’m any judge that lad of yours loves the marrow of you. Why else would he put up with your snoring, eh?”

They both laughed, Craig deciding not to tell him that he and John Paul had yet to sleep a full night together. “I know, but the thing is, Jack, when you came in I panicked, sure you were going to out me. I was really horrible to him, told him it was over.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that – we all say stupid things in the heat of the moment. Just make him know you didn’t mean it. He seems like a good lad and something tells me that he won’t stay mad at you for long. Finish with Sarah, son – that’s the key. Well then, that’s me. Wash up theses glasses will you Craig.” With a laugh he patted him on the cheek and headed out.

"Night Jack and thank you.”

“Just do the right thing, son – that’s all I ask. And I’d like to meet John Paul properly soon as you feel comfortable. And don’t you worry about your mum. Whenever you’re ready to go public with this relationship you can count me fighting in your corner.” He did what was apparently supposed to be a sort of Ali Shuffle then with a another laugh went upstairs.

Craig sat for a long time alone, digesting everything, then he took his phone out of his pocket and keyed the touchpad....

 

 

 **What if JP and Hannah had stayed a couple – a long-term couple?**

 

 

Well that was easier than expected. Maybe there actually is something in the ‘buy her flowers and all will be given’ trope. I’ll remember that, but have to be careful not to use it too often.

She’s sweet, is Hannah, but I don’t really get too into the kissing. The sex is okay – sure it could be better, but as Craig says the aim is to get off, not expect to get the top of your head blown off every time. When I asked him about getting his head blown off every time with Sarah, he hesitated a minute before saying that it hadn’t happened with anyone yet, but it was better with her than any of the other girls he’d been with. You’d expect though that if you were really into someone there’d be fireworks. Craig’s really into Sarah, but no fireworks. I suppose that’s just anther myth then. So far the sex thing has been pretty disappointing...

 

**

 

Don’t really like it when she drinks – makes her more prone to making a fool of herself. Still it also makes her horny so can’t really complain. She likes to blow me, likes to be in control of my cock when she’s had a bit to drink. She doesn’t seem to care about getting off herself, just making me come. It used to bother me at first, now I just accept it as a kink she has.

She claims she never went down on Rhys. As if! I bloody well know she did. You only have to look at the guy to know that he’d never look twice at a girl who wouldn’t suck him off. Don’t know why she thinks I believe her, but I pretend I do – easier that way. It’s a headache falling out – expensive too.

Oh god, John Paul’s here, looking like a man about to face the firing squad. I shouldn’t laugh, but Hannah’s so besotted, so full on and JP’s so ...reticent... about the fact that this fit girl really, really likes him it has me in stitches half the time. I can joke about it to a certain extent with Sarah, but she and Hannah are mates and she doesn’t really find it that funny.

I hate parties. You’ve got to enjoy yourself otherwise you’ve no right being there and sometimes you’re just not in the bloody mood. This one’s not too bad - maybe the blowjob helped - and it’s great that JP’s here even though I haven’t had much chance to talk with him, what with Sarah all over me and Hannah hanging on for dear life. Yeah she’s centre of attention, but no reason she has to drag him around with her like an accessory. And they say guys are possessive!

JP was pretty pissed off about Sarah and Rhys, but I half expected her to make a tit of herself so wasn’t exactly surprised. I smacked him one, of course, and got into it a bit, but you have to do, don’t you? Can’t have some guy with his hand up your girl’s dress and not throw a few punches. That’s how you get a reputation – for being a pussy. Jake taught me ages ago that the worse thing in the world is letting other guys think you’re weak. You have to make a stand – just have to. Rhys knew it and I did too. And it wasn’t like fucking up his miserable mug was a chore!

Guy’s such a wanker. Don’t know what she ever saw in him!

But JP though, he really went off on one about her. In the end it was me having to calm  _him_ down, tell him it didn’t matter, that she was just a girl, not my future wife or anything.

Thinking about it later, he seemed a bit surprised by that; like he thought me and Sarah were dead serious. She’s my girl, but she’s only my girl for now. At 18 I don’t see myself marrying the first girl I have a relationship with. In any case we’ll split when I go to Dublin. I’ve sort of tried to make that clear to her, I just don’t think she likes to think about it. Knowing Sarah she probably expects me to get all serious by then and change my mind. I won’t. I definitely don’t see her in my future.

I wonder if JP sees Hannah in his future.

 

**

 

Sarah really surprised me with her behaviour at Hannah’s party. She always gets a bit merry when she drinks, but what she was allowing Rhys to do was bang out of order. Craig went ballistic as I knew he would and I lost it a bit, shouting my mouth off, calling her names she really didn’t deserve.

Craig dragged me outside and calmed me down, assuring me that it wasn’t that important. He made it clear that he and Sarah weren’t that serious. I wasn’t sure I believed him but he didn’t seem that upset, not the way I’d seen him before. Maybe he was managing the anger better these days.

Anyway, he confided in me that he’d give her the cold shoulder for a few days just to give her the chance to wake up to herself, but would get back with her after sufficient crawling on her part.

I don’t know what I think of this – I don’t really understand the game playing he and Sarah do. I guess Hannah’d do the same except that I’m a dead loss when it comes to playing games and knowing my part. It’s like everyone else speaks a different language and I muddle along with a few nods and smiles in the right places and no-one sees me for the foreigner I am.

It’s mostly ok – I think Hannah makes allowances for me. She probably thought at the time I was exaggerating about the being rubbish with girls bit. I think she knows now that I wasn’t.

I should feel happy. Why don’t I feel happy?

 

**

 

I have to confess that I gave her a really hard time. Not that she didn’t’ deserve it – I mean the fact that she looked so guilty made me  _know_ she deserved it. It made me believe that she’d been just a bit more aware than she was letting on, maybe just narked cos she got nabbed in front of a crowd. Wouldn’t surprise me – girls are all the same deep down. It’s like they can’t keep their knickers on if a man shows interest. I hoped Sarah was different but not all that surprised really. Well she knows she’s good looking, that’s the thing. I sometimes think she wants to swim in other ponds if you know what I mean – show it off. Take those pictures in that mag – I mean I was mortified what with Sonny valentine all over it, Rhys sending in the pics, all those blokes perving. And she didn’t seem that bothered, not deep down. It’s like she was flattered or something. It’s not like I don’t know that look – Steph’s the same. All they want is a camera in their face, and men coming all over their nasty pictures. Hate that; hate it in my sister, hate it in my girl... but she’s ok for now. I like having her and she’s a good girlfriend - mostly. And now I’ve got the upper hand I intend to keep it. Girls like Sarah, bossy and sure of themselves, like to think they’ve got you sussed. One minute you’re going out casually, next you’re buying a ring and planning the wedding; and it’s all gone down without you even knowing it. I’ve seen it with my mum and Jack, seen it with loads of couples. It’s not going to happen with me. To be truthful Dublin can’t come fast enough. I’m going to do so well in these exams cos there’s no way I’m staying here.

Wonder if JP will do well enough in his exams to apply to Trinity?

 

**

 

Those tuxes Craig’s mum hired for us make me feel like a right knob, but Craig looks good in his and I like the fact that we’ve both been immortalised by her camera.

She seemed really chuffed; me and Craig just shook our heads. Women are a strange species and mothers stranger still.

The girls have been trying to get us to practice for the dance, but we’ve somehow managed to get away with it.

It’s going to be another chore and it’s such a pain pretending to be interested in Hannah’s outfit, her make-up, should she wear her hair up or down? I’ve never understood why girls make such a big deal out of this stuff. I mean all the boys have seen them before – they know that a bit of lippy and eyeliner or exposing your neck doesn’t make you a different person. Don’t they? Me and Craig talk about this all the time – the make up thing. It’s like girls are taught to never be satisfied with the way they look – everything hidden under concealer or foundation, like the guy’s not eventually going to see them without the face paint. It’s all part of this game men and women play – Craig claims it’s stupid, but he’s pretty up on the rules. I’m not – it makes no sense to me at all.

And the thing about being part of a couple is that you’re expected to stay together all bloody night! It’s like they think they have a right just cos you’ve been to bed together to claim you – claim your time, your attention, your interest.

 

I don’t know, it all feels a bit stifling...

 

**

 

I admit I was drunk, but not as drunk as JP claims. I wanted to get Sarah off my back so made an excuse and me and JP went walking in the grounds. You’re not really supposed to – something to do with blowjobs and fucking in the bushes, though naturally they never come out and actually  _say_ it.

It was pretty cold out there, but a welcome relief from the stifling atmosphere inside and I don’t just mean the humidity either. Sarah wouldn’t leave me alone. Every time I turned away she had her hand on me, in my face, kissing, touching.

She told me she loved me, tripping me up completely. I almost didn’t say anything back but I didn’t want a scene, either there and then or later, so I told her I did too.

I managed to get away soon after.

Maybe she’d got what she wanted and felt happier releasing me.

When I told JP he was quiet a minute then asked me if I thought it would lead to problems down the line. Trust JP; he never goes for the obvious response.

I told him that I was pretty clear about breaking up with her come August and he sort of threw a bit of a strop saying I couldn’t know that, that I might have fallen in love with her by then.

He said you couldn’t possibly decide how you were going to feel several months from now.

I asked him if he thought I was being unfair and he said he thought I was fooling myself, trying to control things I couldn’t.

We didn’t really talk much after that. I remember at one point running, whooping loudly and him chasing me, but I wasn’t drunk – just merry.

Anyway that was the highlight of the night.

If I had to give it marks out of ten I’d have to give the night a -1 ramped up to 5 by the few minutes I got to spend with my mate.

 

**

The sex is getting to be a problem. She wants it more and more and I’m finding the excuses hard to maintain. It’s not that I don’t think she’s pretty – she is pretty and she smells really nice. But the sex doesn’t do all that much for me. I think I must have a really low sex drive. Craig says that his trouble is he’s got a pretty high one, which is why he goes for girls like Sarah. When I asked him if he was saying she was easy he demurred, saying that it wasn’t that she was easy it’s just that she wasn’t hung up about sex. If she wanted it she wasn’t afraid to say so, go for it. Yeah, that was my problem with Hannah, only she ALWAYS seemed to want it. Were all girls secretly like that, was that why there were all those sniggers and things written on bathroom walls? Was it me who had these really erroneous ideas about women?

Well I’m just going to have to sort the sex thing out. I know she wants me to put my mouth down there but I think she’s willing to accept that it’s not something I’m  _obliged_ to do. When she tried to go down on me I hated it so much I stopped her. She was surprised and a little hurt I think that I was basically calling her on her inexperience, implying that she was incompetent. I tried to assure her that I just didn’t want us doing that yet, but not sure she bought it. It may seem strange given what I know of other guys – like Craig for example – but doing that to someone is far too intimate for a casual sex session. I would have to feel differently about someone to allow them to do that. It’s like I’m using her, cos she’s doing that thing, that really intimate thing, and I don’t love her, don’t even really fancy her and it’s just not right.

I sometimes think I’m wired differently to other guys.

I’ve thought that for a while...

 

**

JP’s been a bit preoccupied lately so I couldn’t talk to him about this modelling thing of Sarah’s. Basically she whores it up, her ex sends in the evidence and he gets a year’s supply of ale while she gets a modelling contract. I guess being a ho really does pay then. Her and Hannah made up after that Josh thing and she brought her along for moral support I suppose. Like I was gonna kick off. And it’s not like having Hannah there was going to stop me if I decided to anyway.

Anyway I let her run her mouth for a bit then said that I didn’t mind. I could see she didn’t believe me but what could she do, it would have been pretty stupid for her to question me when I’d given the answer she wanted. Obviously Hannah thought so. In fact it’s possible that if Hannah hadn’t been there Sarah would have talked herself out of it. She can be surprisingly submissive sometimes, Sarah.

I guess she’s in love.

 

**

 

Looks like the modelling was the final straw. He told me that no matter what I thought no way were his feelings about her going to change. Come August she was history.

“You’re using her then?”

He looked at me and shrugged. “Why not, not like she doesn’t know the score.”

“Oh I think it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t, Craig. Come on, you’re not being fair. You know she’s got feelings for you and you knowing you’re going to dump her but sleeping with her, using her as a convenient sperm receptacle – that’s not fair. You don’t treat someone you care about like that.”

“Well I don’t love her.”

“It’s not about love, it’s about basic respect.”

“Well maybe I don’t respect her either.”

“Then finish with her.”

“No.”

And that was that – end of.

We didn’t talk for days after that, but when I saw him still going with Sarah like we’d never had that conversation I decided to let it go. What they did together wasn’t really any of my business anyway. Not like  _Sarah_ was my best friend...

 

**

I’m really confident about these exams. I know that she expected me to give her more attention what with all her family problems and I did try to be there –  _was_ there - for her, but I am determined not to fuck it up this time. I ended up having to revise at night and whenever me and JP managed to get time together. God what’s with bloody Hannah, all over him that way? She’s not exactly his best bloody revision partner! No disrespect but she isn’t the brightest – definitely not in JP’s league. I mean when you’re revising with a mate you expect a give and take; with him helping you with some things and you able to help him with the subjects you’re good at. With Hannah it’s JP give, give giving and her just lapping it all up. I do like her, but she’s a bit... wet... follows him around like a lap dog, tongue hanging out, gets in the way of us just being mates and spending time together.

Sarah’s a bit like that too at times, but I always pull the revision/Trinity card and she backs off pretty quick at that point.

I just thank god I’ll be miles away come September and won’t be here to see her moping around after we finish. If I’m honest at this point I’m counting the days.

Just can’t afford to mess it up.

Neither can JP. Hannah thinks he’s going to HCC, but no fucking way! We haven’t properly talked about it, but I know he’s feeling pressure from his mum – and Hannah – to stay local. But HCC for god’s sake – he can do a LOT better. The thing is he can be really stubborn, so I can’t just come at him like a bull in a China shop, got to make him see where his best interests lie.

And he’s still being a bit funny with me – I don’t think it’s the exams: he seems to have something on his mind. Don’t know what, probably family things. I know he doesn’t like me still going with Sarah when he knows I’m not as into her as she is into me, but I thought we’d sorted that. I’m getting sex, I’m getting things my own way for the most part, mum’s stopped nagging me (she really likes Sarah) so I’m not going to give myself grief, especially now when I’m busy focusing on the exams.

It’s too late to go to the Soccer Camp – besides it would look a bit funny since me and Sarah agreed to cancel the holiday with all that was happening with her family.

It’s just I think I need a break.

I think both me and JP do.

There’s always next year. That’s if we can get jobs in Dublin to supplement the grant. I know JP’s got money coming in and I suppose he’ll be able to score some dj-ing gigs over in Dublin. If we make it a priority – the holiday – we should be able to save enough.

God I can’t bloody wait!

August can’t come fast enough.

**

 

Does anyone else have a family like mine?

Jesus!

And Craig’s being really funny with me. I don’t think it’s because he knows I disapprove of him still going with Sarah. No, it’s something else. There’s a sort of tension between us these days and I don’t know what’s behind it.

I’m feeling pretty down right now; my family, Hannah, Craig... The exams are fine – in fact it helps to focus on them - but all I can see is me being left on my own when my best mate goes to Uni and Hannah getting more and more attached.

I keep telling Craig to be upfront with Sarah, but am I showing Hannah any more respect? I mean I don’t love her, not even sure I really fancy her so shouldn’t I finish with her before she starts planing our future together?

It’s just it’s a habit isn’t it – and a pretty hard one to break. And I just hate that look she gets when I’ve said something hurtful or thoughtless. She’s very sensitive and  _such_ a nice person. I suppose that’s my big excuse for not doing the right thing. It’s not like I’ll ever grow to love her. I was so stupid with Craig, telling him he’d grow to love Sarah. He should know how he feels, clearly does know how he feels. He was right to tell me to fuck off. Not that he did, but if he had he’d have been well within his rights.

Oh I don’t know, I just feel so fucking frustrated right now.

Craig’s so happy about Trinity – sure he’ll get in – and I’m happy for him I really am. It’s just that life promises to be so colourless and drab without him there.

I was so looking forward to us going away together. I know I shouldn’t but I still resent both of them for it; Craig for being so bloody weak and her for thinking her wishes came before mine – or Craig’s, really. I can see now that he’d rather have gone to the soccer camp than on the cancelled holiday. Why the hell hadn’t he told her no?

Now I’ll never get the chance to spend time with him – on our own, away from everything....

 

 

**

 

Give me fucking strength! She’s only started talking about getting engaged!

For fuck’s sake, where does she get her ideas about relationships from? Well if her batty as a fruit fly mum’s anything to go by...

I almost went off on one, but no, not yet – I need to get my last exam out the way first. Just don’t need the stress.

I told her that it was too soon and we’d talk after the exams. Like hell! And then it was hints about coming with me to Dublin. Well she’s right that she probably won’t do too well in her exams, but doesn’t mean she shouldn’t try for HCC. And she could always go full time with the modelling!

Fucking hell!

August can’t come soon enough!

And me and JP need to talk. Don’t know if I should wait until we get the results though...

 

**

 

Craig suggested I think about applying to Trinity!

I couldn’t believe it at first. He seemed to have given it quite a lot of thought and certainly sold it to me: how we could share a flat, split the expenses, get part-time jobs.

“Seriously? You think I’d get in?”

“You’re joking aren’t you? Course you would. You said you’d done okay in the exams...”

“Yeah, but- haven’t I left it too late?”

“No, no of course not. But you do need to do it pretty sharpish.”

I still wasn’t sure. “Craig, I don’t know-“

“What? Not sure your grades will be good enough?”

“Us sharing a flat, going to Dublin. You really sure you want to share with me?”

“Well it’ll be cheaper. And at least I’ll have someone whose accent I can understand.” He was grinning to show he wasn’t being entirely serious.

“So you think it could work?”

“Don’t you?”

“Yeah I think it could it.” At long last I allowed myself to smile back at him. “I suppose I’ll need to tell Hannah.”

Oh god, Hannah...

 

**

He didn’t tell her.

I could tell – I mean it was obvious: she wasn’t going around all snot nosed and red –eyed, looking a like a madwoman, hair all over the place.

I suppose I wasn’t exactly surprised. Timing’s everything in these situations. He’ll tell her when the time’s right.

I wonder who’ll do it first – me or JP.

God August can’t come soon enough

 

**

 

I was gobsmacked by my results: 2 As, 2 Bs.

Craig got 4 As. I think we were both fighting to contain our excitement, but of course the truth is we were allowed to be chuffed. I think it was because we knew that it was more than the great results or rather it was because we knew what the results really meant for us.

The girls’ results weren’t great – passes, good enough to get into HCC but in all honesty a little disappointing.

But we’d made plans to celebrate regardless so that’s what we did.

Sarah quickly got completely off her face and Hannah followed soon after. Nancy skipped off early to be with Jake so it was left up to me and Craig to get the girls home.

God that was a bloody nightmare. At one point I was sure we were both going to go home stinking of vomit. I was sure that if either of them sicked up on either of us it would be deliberate – subconscious payback for us not only getting the results, but being bastards too.

Well we narrowly escaped, vomit free, and since I was closest we went to mine.

It was around 11, still early really and we decided that we were both starving.

I made some bacon butties and strong tea, which we finished up before heading up to my room.

“Mind if I stay over?”

I was surprised – it had been ages since he’d stayed over. “Yeah, just let me get some stuff out of the airing cupboard.” I found him some toiletries including one of the spare toothbrushes my family seemed to collect like other people collected knick-knacks and a pair of boxers from an unopened packet I’d got last Christmas. They weren’t the loose type so should probably be okay for him. I also found him an old t-shirt and a big bath sheet and flannel.

He seemed surprised when I handed him the bundle. “Thanks. Alright to take a shower then?”

“Yeah I’ll get the bed ready – got a double duvet you can lie on and a really warm sleeping bag or a light blanket if you prefer.”

“Sleeping bag’s fine. See you in a minute.”

I moved the room around to accommodate him sleeping on the floor next to me then got my own sleep stuff ready for when he returned.

He took bloody ages and came back hair sleek and wet, a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Sorry,” he said. “Must have dozed off.”

“Yeah, right. Put some music on, but don’t touch my vinyl!”

“Whatever.”

 

**

 

He came back dressed in white t-shirt and boxers, dumping his clothes in the hamper before turning off the overhead light.

“Comfortable?”

“Very. Nice and warm.”

“Good.” He slid into bed. “Good choice of music.”

“Yeah.”

I listened to the sound of him breathing, wishing I could see his face.

“You sleepy?”

“Not at all.”

“Me either. Wanna talk a bit?”

“Definitely.”

“Want to come down here or should I come up”

He didn’t hesitate. “Come up.”

He smelled good – different from me (he’d given me an unopened shower gel and shampoo set). He was warm too and I immediately felt better being beside him.

“Alright? Got enough room?”

“It’s fine.” He’d turned on his side, leaning up on his right elbow. I was flat on my back. “So you given any more thought to Dublin?”

“I applied.”

I turned to him. “You kept that quiet.”

“Wanted to get my results first.”

“And?”

“And?” He was smiling, trying not to.

“Joker!”

“It’s not finalised yet though Craig.”

“But it will be. We’ll get in touch tomorrow. Okay?”

“God you’re pushy.”

“Get used to it.”

“I’d like to, “ he said. Something in his voice made me turn my head.

We stared at each other, then he moved and I moved...

 

 

 

**

When he kissed me it felt like my heart stopped for a whole second, then speeded up, leapt into my throat, shortened my breath. I felt like I was melting, my very bones turning to liquid. I felt every hair on his face, all the ones you couldn’t ever see except in the sunlight; the brush of his eyelashes as he kissed my mouth, totally focused on the task at hand. Everything below my neck had stiffened. Or so it felt. I hadn’t realised that an erection could get this hard, would feel like it had a life of its own. I was fairly sure I’d damage any tender flesh it came into contact with and tried to surreptitiously move my hips away. Of course he chose that moment to slide on top of me and I couldn’t help myself I let out a low groan, pulled up from my groin, through my stomach. I drew him greedily to me, then forced him under me and began to kiss him – not slow and careful the way he’d been doing, but with passion and a firece undisciplined hunger. His arms came up and wrapped around my neck while his knees parted, clamping on either side of my hips, bringing our groins into delicious contact.

He was groaning my name, thrusting his tongue into my mouth and I lost it then, grabbing his arse and pulling him up into even closer contact with my cock. This was enough to make me come but I needed to see him, touch him, taste him. I kissed my way down, roughly pulling aside the thin material of the boxers and just  _going_ for his cock. I had no experience, was probably getting it completely wrong...

**

 

 

His mouth on me was like fire and ice, burning me up, making me shiver inside.

He was lost in it, lost in me, the taste of my cock, the feel of it in his mouth. I touched his hair, but the feelings inside me were not satisfied by the tenderness of this gesture; it wanted to possess, wanted to hold him there, thrust into his mouth. And I knew he wanted it too, wanted me to do that. I’d never felt this way before, it was like he wasn’t just giving me pleasure and me taking it. It was like we were making love, sharing something I’d never found before. I put my hand at the side of his mouth, eventually drawing his gaze to mine and called him to me. He came with a fierce, incredibly dirty kiss, lying on me, thrusting rhythmically in a way that almost had me allowing it when it was more I wanted, needed. I started kissing his neck, then his shoulders, moving slowly down. Eventually he got the message and relaxed, moved on to his back, letting me do what I needed to do.

He was big and very hard and when I touched the tip of my tongue to taste he hissed and grabbed at my shoulders. I saw a muscle jumping restlessly in his stomach and this time put him in my mouth...

 

**

 

It made me cry – the feelings did. They were too much to contain. It felt so good I didn’t know what to do. I was so used to sex being a certain way that I just didn’t know how to make sense of what I was feeling. It was the best thing I’d ever felt and I knew that it wasn’t about the sex – it was about him. It was all about him.

Afterwards he kissed my face, but didn’t speak, wrapping his arms around me as I blubbed like an idiot.

It took a while but eventually I calmed down, coming to myself enough to reach for the box of Kleenex I kept by the bed, wiping up my messy face before handing them over to Craig. He kissed me and then began cleaning up the come I hadn’t managed to swallow.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t need to tell me, JP. I feel it too.”

“Only you’re not blubbing like an idiot.”

“I have a different way of dealing. Anyway I did a little – you were just a bit too busy with your own one man waterworks.”

I aimed a mock punch at him. He grabbed my hand and kissed the knuckles. I must have been staring at him like a love struck fool because he gave a little laugh, leaned in and kissed me softly on the mouth. “I suppose I need to say it, though honestly you really are slow sometimes JP. I love you. I want you to be a bit more than my bloody flatmate when we get to Dublin. All clear now?”

I was still staring at him. I so wanted this to be happening but I’d thrust those feelings, the hope for him so far down, so long ago that it was taking a while to register that he was saying what I so wanted to hear. “You love me.”

“Don’t you feel the same?”

“Don’t be stupid.” The blush came from nowhere as did the sudden image of his cock twitching under my tongue.

“Well then.” He was practically glowing, happier than I’d ever seen him and I wondered what the hell I was doing, hesitating, questioning when I had everything I’d ever wanted, here in my bed, mine for the taking.

“Craig, I’ve wanted you for so long...”

“I know. Me too.”

“How long have you known?”

“That I wanted you?”

“No, about me – how I felt.”

“Never knew for sure, but when I thought about us in bed - you know - it never felt like I was reaching; never felt like you wouldn’t want it too. So that’s how I sort of knew.”

“Are you gay?”

“Don’t know. I don’t really get turned on by other guys that much. Not saying it hasn’t happened once or twice, but I think I’m still in the switched on to girls mode. Although I have to admit that I haven’t really been there for a while. You?”

I didn’t really have to think about it. “I think I am, yeah. I’ve never really been turned on by girls and I do sometimes look at other guys and think...well you know. But I think that you were always sort of the one – other guys, other people never really got a look in.”

He touched my face. “I’m really flattered JP.”

“I’m the one who should be flattered. You’re gorgeous-“

He laughed and kissed me again. “What’s this, a competition to see who should be the most flattered?”

“Well if it is I win – hands down.”

“Whatever.” He kissed me again.

I could get very used to this I thought. “What are we going to tell people?”

“Do we have to tell them anything?”

“Well Hannah and Sarah-“

“Get dumped. End of. “ Registering my frown he tried to be conciliatory. “Okay we break it to them gently, but don’t you think they’d rather it was the long distance relationships never working thing than being dumped for your best mate thing?”

He had a point but I still felt bad. “I want us to be honest, Craig. About us, the way we feel.”

“No, it’s no-one else’s business.”

I couldn’t help it, my stomach began to tie itself in knots. “You want to keep it a secret.”

“For now – until we’re sure-“

“Sure? Sure of what exactly?”

“The logistics -going to Dublin, moving away. Last thing I want is to start off our life together on a sour note. All this confessing stuff – bad idea for now.”

“Craig...”

“Listen, JP, I can tell what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. I’m not ashamed of us – I’m not. It’s just that I know from experience that sometimes you have to time these things and being upfront isn’t always the best way to handle certain ...things.”

“I’m coming out to my family.”

“I can’t stop you.”

“But you don’t want me to tell them that you’re the one I’m in love with.”

He was silent for a long time. I didn’t interrupt it, just felt myself shrinking more and more with each passing second. “John Paul what we do has to be a joint thing – we’re not going to do the usual relationship thing where we don’t talk, keep things from each other. If we are then I don’t see the point of us even carrying on. I know and I hope you do too that it’s not going to be easy being together. You’re probably keen to start us off with total honesty and I’d like that too. It’s just that, John Paul.” He touched my face, made me look at him. “I’m terrified of other people messing things up for us. I just think once we come out, tell everybody then it’s no longer me and you – it’s everybody; judging, condemning, interfering. Think about it, think about what they’d think about us dumping the girls to be together; think how different they’d feel about us bunking together if they knew we were sleeping together too. I can’t see us having an easy time of it and I want us to start off properly – away from family, away from history...” He broke off to examine my face. “You’re not happy, are you? You want us to come out.”

“Yeah, of course I do. I’d love if I could kiss you as easily as I’d kiss Hannah or you’d kiss Sarah. I’d love if everybody simply accepted us as a couple, but you’re right that’s not going to happen and I don’t think we’re strong enough yet to be tested-“

This made him sit up. He was frowning. “You think I’d walk away from you just because things got a bit hot? You really think-“

“Craig, no, no.” I urged him back down, stroked and kissed his face. “That isn’t what I meant. You’re right – what we have is no-one else’s business and I do know that we’d be given a really hard time if we came out now. And yeah I’d love to be all out and proud, but the plain truth is I want you – just you. It doesn’t matter if no-one knows – for now- just as long as I have you.”

“You have me.” His lips grazed my fingers. “And I feel the same. I hate that we have to fucking fight to be together, that we can’t walk down the streets holding hands, but that will come. I promise you that a year from now I will walk down a street holding your hand-“

“Christopher street, right or Castro?”

“Well I was thinking more along the lines of Canal St, but if you’ve a yen for the sun we could go to the States. Sure, why not?”

“Craig?”

“Hmmm?”

“How the fuck do you know about Castro?”

He tapped the side of his nose. “The researcher’s friend, my friend.”

“Google.”

“Google.” He leaned in to kiss – this time with a bit of a question, no; more of a demand... “The things I discovered. Amazing.”

“Yeah?” I responded to his demand with one of my own. “Care to share?”

“Care to wake the whole house up with the screaming I’ll have you doing?”

I casually rolled him over, knelt astride him. “Care to put your mouth where your money is-“ I frowned a minute, knowing that the sentence didn’t sound quite right.

He cackled. “Okay then. I’ll put my mouth anywhere you want me to.” Growling he pretended to take a bite out of my midriff.

“You are an idiot,” I told him, giggling.

Yeah I admit it, Craig and I brought out the giggles in each other. That’s what made us work so well. I was more open with him than I’d been with anyone, even my sisters, and with this added element, this new certainty of his love for me it felt...well it felt like coming home. Or rather finding the perfect place to call home; the place you’d stay in until they carried you off in your coffin.

I didn’t have any illusions about things being easy for us, but that was not my primary concern: he was here, in my bed, in my heart, part of my life and that was always going to be more than enough.

 

**

 

I woke him to say a last goodbye at around half 5. He was sleepy, warm, gorgeous and the kissing went on for much longer than intended.

Eventually he agreed to let me go, insisting, however, on seeing me to the door, shivering in his boxers, holding me for a very long time at the front door.

I don’t know why but we both ended up blubbing. I think that for both of us the feelings were so much more intense than they’d been with anyone else that we we’re finding it pretty hard to handle really.

Walking away, still on cloud nine I realised for the first time that my plan to keep this between ourselves was probably doomed to failure: I knew now that there was no way I’d be able to look at him and not have everything show in my face. And I couldn’t imagine not touching him, hugging him, even kissing him just because it was the natural thing to do when you were as in love as I was with JP.

I didn’t call it love for a long time. I even decided the jealousy over Hannah was just cos I knew he could do better, that she wasn’t right for him, but with my lack of affection for Sarah coupled with my attendant growing obsession for JP I wasn’t able to keep fooling myself.

I just needed him to make the moves too. I thought he felt the same but he kept everything so tightly locked away.... And it wasn’t like it was exactly normal or straightforward – us, me and him. I knew that no matter how it played itself out if we ever got together there’d be flak and I couldn’t do this on a casual basis – fuck him, fuck with his head, fuck him up and then decide that it wasn’t actually what I wanted. I had to be sure – of both of us.

I hadn’t planned on seducing him. To be fair I think  _he_ seduced  _me_ \- warm bed, hot JP. How the hell’s a guy to resist  _that_ ? And the sex! Jesus fucking Christ! It was out of this world – a blowjob for god’s sake! I’d had lots of them, but I swear to god it was like I floated into another galaxy when JP blew me that night. And returning the favour... well let’s just say I could see why he’d been moaning around my cock! It felt fantastic, tasted fantastic. Put it this way once I’d sucked him I knew there was definitely no going back!

And the thing is I feel safe with him. Sure I want to protect him, that’s nothing new, but that feeling of being safe – that is.

When you find something so special, so life-changing you’ll do anything to keep it, but am I fighting a losing battle trying to stop people interfering? Should I just come out, be open about my relationship with him?

I want to be, but I’m so afraid of allowing other people to mess things up the way they always do. I’m sure I’m right to keep schtum until we go to Dublin, but I do think he feels like I’m ashamed of us so I’m torn. I’ll leave it up to him to decide – I think that’s important.

He’s so different to Sarah; he respects me, doesn’t think that me being a man automatically makes my reasoning or decision making suspect. He wouldn’t dream of putting himself first, making me drop everything to be with him, fall into line with every decision concerning ‘us’ unilaterally made.

I can’t wait to be with him properly – in our own place, openly together. I just hope we make the decision in the end that’s right for us.

I know we will.

Later today we’ll get on to Trinity and get him in. If that fails then we’ll both go to Leeds or Birmingham, perhaps. Being with JP is a hundred times more important than going to Trinity, so that’s not even an obstacle.

I’d better work on a present for him. You know, a love gift that he can keep forever, that any time I see him wearing it I’ll not only know he’s mine, but he’ll know I’m his too.

I think I have the perfect thing....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
